Getting back to Blogging - finally

First off I need to apologize for leaving this blog for too long with the blog title - "Frustrated" at top of the page - but that is how I as feeling and I guess for awhile.  Much has happened since then so I am going to try and catch up.

Just because it is beautiful and so are you!

I already did catch up some - I started writing again mid summer - but it had been so long since I had blogged I forgot my password.  And I was in an area with limited reception both internet and phone.  In order to retrieve my blog password I had to have it sent to my phone.  These kind of dynamics reminded me of being back at home in Haiti. 

But let me get to it.  I will post what I had written and what was started and finished last spring - summer and then we will get caught up. 
Thank You! for still being here.

Frustrated!

I am upset! I was angry before I left Haiti and I found myself angry and sad again. But the problem is I have nowhere to direct my anger to. I am so angry it frustrates me and makes me sick to my stomach. It seems something should be done about it and yet there seems too big of problem to be solved.


Let me tell you two stories and it will explain some of my feelings.

I had heard that my neighbor’s husband in Haiti was sick. (As I write that sentences a few other stories come to mind and I will share those too.) It was also the husband of one of the artists that I work with in the area. They said he is really sick. This is a scary thing to hear in Haiti! I have learned if they say ‘really sick’ the person could very likely die. Which seems crazy in our society, people ‘sick’ get better, even people ‘really sick’ get better, even people we are pretty sure are going to die miraculously live! But to hear this in Haiti you know you have to go visit, because more than likely they won’t be around long. We went to the house and visited the family. He didn’t look good but was sitting outside and they had plans to go to the doctor in PaP, so there seemed to be hope. He had gotten kicked by a cow and it had done something to his insides that had somehow blocked his digestive system. The next I had heard he was back from PaP, he even went to see the Red Cross- this was a good sign. No- they basically told him they could do nothing for him. They don’t have the capability of doing that surgery in Haiti, sorry but you can’t eat and you’re going to die.

THAT’S IT?! Thoughts went through my head on how ridiculous this was. If this man was in the U.S. he would have had his surgery already and be home recovering. Can’t something be done? My American brain couldn’t stand this injustice and yet could do nothing about it. Can’t they even give him something for the pain? They really just said ‘sorry’? And this man has to go home and starve to death while his family watches!? ….yup that is it. Se la Vi! [That is life]

My dear neighbor did die about 2 weeks later. All of his 7 children got to see him before he died. Many of his friends and neighbors visited daily during those 2 weeks. Almost every night you could hear singing and praying coming from the house – the local church had a prayer group there for him and the family each night. I went to several of them. Everyone had the same look of hopelessness, and sadness on their face. But we said the prayers and sang the songs and tried to pour out our love for the family. And the end of the ‘service’ everyone walks around and shakes everyone’s hand and you can feel the pain and anguish in the room and you can also feel Jesus crying there with you; because sometimes nothing can be done but to pray and be together.

I have thought of this many times while I was back in the states. But alas what can really be done?

After returning to Haiti I was sitting on the Lee’s porch having a meeting. ZiZi one of our kids club leaders as well as one of our staff at then New Life School said this one boy had died, 12 years old he was in 2nd grade class at our school. My brain sort of heard it but didn’t quite register it. He was speaking Creole and not speaking directly to me, so I wasn’t completely tuned in. Lee said, “Did you just hear that?” Yes sort of. So they talked more about it. He wasn’t sick or anything just had a bad stomach ache and then died. I was first shocked and sad! How does a 12 year old just die from a stomach ache?! Then it hit me, I bet he had an appendicitis. I imagine once in a blue moon people still die from these in the states but most of the time I bet they do emergency surgery and then the person is just fine. (As I said before, recovering the next day.) I had to find my pictures and know what little boy this was. Did I know him well from the school? Everyone remarked what a smart young man he was, top of his class….of course he was. Ugh, Haiti!

The other night, that is who I was angry at – Haiti! But then Haiti has been abused by so many for so long, even our own government has been a culprit in helping Haiti to where it is today. I want to blame the healthcare system, or really lack thereof, but I also have seen that they do the very best with what they have in Haiti. I said earlier I had 2 more stories that came to my head. One was of a woman with a hurt leg. It was swollen and a team went and visited her. I thought she would be fine, inflamed leg. Take some antibiotics, ibprophen for the swelling. A month later we received a report she had died. Perfectly healthy otherwise 30-something year old, dies from a sore leg. And the other, I don’t know the whole story. It was a cousin of my family here in Haiti, a 23 year old girl died from a cut on her leg! There was a young boy with a heart defect in the area too. One of H.A.P.I.’s (local organization) teams had detected the defect and were making arrangements to get the young man to the United States for surgery. Before they could arrange through the embassy (a massive amount of paperwork) to get him to the U.S. he died. I am sure there are many more stories. It breaks my heart. I want to yell at someone. So I wanted to share in my blog – not yelling at you. But maybe you will find yourself wanting to yell or do something too.

I am sure there are many more stories like this in other developing countries. I am sure there are probably some in the United States too for people who can’t afford good healthcare. But something needs to be done. Some action needs to be taken. I know several young people in this area who would like to go to school to be a doctor – the problem is the family can’t afford to put their kids through college and feed the rest of the children. Sure if you are a nurse or doctor you could come to the country for a week and help. And that does do many wonderful things! It has saved lives! But it still doesn’t change the situation. The change has to come from within, Haiti. Young people in the U.S. are able to go to school with student loans, unfortunately that doesn’t exist in Haiti. How many doctors would we lose in the U.S. if student loans did not exist? Money shouldn’t be a determining factor in someone’s dream is to be a doctor to help save the people of his/her country from dying. And people shouldn’t be dying in any country in this day in age from an appendicitis or a hurt leg! Just need to share my anger with someone, because it makes my heart hurts. Maybe you know what to do.

Changes and Frustrations

I found a blog I wrote a couple months ago now - and it explains why I have not wrote a blog in some time.  I have been in the States for a couple weeks now and have found I really needed this time to recharge.  But here are some words and reflections on how I was feeling a month or so ago.

It is true something has had me un-easy about Haiti lately. Not really sure what it is clearly. I think now maybe it is just many, many changes and also some home improvement stresses. That will get to anyone in any country right. Let me share about some of the happenings of life over the last month.


I recently built my new porch. I had a sketch of this in the states and I suppose I bit of a dream about it; just a place to relax and work and have some peace from the world. I was very excited about having it be very natural. Built from rocks in the area and for the roof using a natural material to cover it, called ‘la tanyay’ in Creole. Most of my Haitian friends were against this, some realized it was more beautiful but for most they thought I should go with the ever practical tin. But it was decided just waiting on the tree tops to be cut so it could be weaved into a roof for the porch. Leo – a local carpenter passed by my house the other day and told me that the roof was too flat to have the ‘la tanyay’. Oy ve – back to square one – I had also asked the boss man before if he thought the roof was too flat but he thought it would be fine. So now I have to buy the tin.

I also had the stress of the ceramic. I really struggled in buying the ceramic because most Haitian homes do not have it. It is sort of an extra luxury I think. But last year at the end of the year I was sick with possibly bronchitis and I think it was due to the moisture from the flooring. So I had to get the ceramic for health reasons. My family at the house convinced me I should put ceramic flooring on the porch too. We calculated the price and it would be $230 to buy the ceramic to cover everything. I agreed, it would be beautiful and a place to call home, although that was a lot of money. But the day they put it in I came home and we were 7 tiles short in the house and had not started on the porch. Everyone seemed it was just an easy fix – go buy more ceramic. But now the costs could not be justified just to cover my porch. I had it in the house for my health, but I couldn’t put it on the porch for that price. I also was 7 tiles short for the house which took another week to locate in Port au Prince. But now the ceramic is in and it is lovely. The porch is still missing tin but it will get there.

There have also been major changes in the organization that I volunteer for in Haiti. The director of Living Media International, Lee Rainboth moved back to the states after living here for 5 years. This has constituted many changes. Although much of the work has been in the hands of the Haitians anyway there is always the preconceived notion that the ‘white guy’ is running everything. There are also many things that Lee just did and no one knew it. It is terribly frustrating – many people have thought that just because Lee moved back to the states our programs are not all still running. But everything is still going on as it was before with the staff stepping up even stronger in their roles as directors for the organization. We have things that are different this year too, new construction on an elementary school, and new gallery in Jacmel, which has put staff in a few different roles. So it has been interesting sorting out and a struggle some days to know who is responsible for various aspects of the organization. Things are clicking along, but there are still days it has been very stressful.

I have been figuring out my role and duties as well and adjusting to the changes but with the house repairs as well, my world feels a little flipped upside down. I am just not ‘alez’ – a great creole word meaning – comfortable, one with the world, at home. Things are shaking themselves out in the transition. In the transition it is great I am here, because I am an encourager and an includer. I am here to help and encourage the staff to keep doing the wonderful job that they have been doing already. As well as all the other jobs I had previously, working with the artists, social media for the organization plus working on the new gallery and the Kids Sponsorship programs. Day by day….but right now a little upside down.

Reflections from Dakotas School of Missions last summer -

Why do I choose to live my life in poverty?

 

In the afternoon of July 12th I found myself sobbing in my car. We were learning about poverty in the world and Haiti. And I just got a text message saying if I didn’t pay my cell phone they would shut it off. I had to take a break between learning about Haiti and hearing more about poverty to run to the bank. First I checked my bank account and I had about the amount of money that would cover the cost of classes I was taking. I didn’t have enough money to cover the cost of the full cell phone bill.

 

Why do I live my life in poverty?

 

I then realized I had just the right amount of money to cover the amount needed to keep the phone on from selling some artwork from Haiti and some of my own jewelry. As well as a donation that I received that week so I could deposit that to cover the cost of my gas home from the classes.

 

Why do I live my life in poverty?

 

After having a good cry in the car and talking to my mother; I pulled myself together and prayed for it to be ok.

 

• I went back to hear more statistics on how women and children are affected by being poor more than men.
• We learned how children around the world are beaten and work without food and water to make 8 cents an hour for their families to eat.
• I learned that there are children in Haiti still enslaved legally, cleaning and cooking for families of those that have more; they are called rasticfecs. If they are lucky they are fed and maybe go to school. If they are not lucky they are beaten and barely fed the scrapes you would give a dog.
• We learned about people who lose everything in the United States their homes, their jobs, and their hope.

 

Why do I live in Poverty?

 

After listening and listening and sharing a few tears and seeing my neighbors in the room and neighbors across the world live.

 

I thought about my own life.

 

I don’t choose to live my life in Poverty – I choose to live it with God!

 

I trust that God will take care of my ‘daily bread’. I know that God will provide and give me guidance to make it through. God will put people in my pathway that also see how amazing God works in the world. Sometimes God doesn’t work on my time. I would rather God didn’t wait until I had no money in the bank to take care of my needs. But you know something – that is when I felt closest to God this week. I cried out! I sat in my car and sobbed and cried, “Please God, Let this be ok. Let me get through this. Put people in my pathway so I don’t feel like this. I trust you will take care of this. Give me strength.”

 

As I left the car, I felt a sense of relief. I felt a sense of confidence back. I didn’t know how it would be ok. But I gave up trying to control it myself and knew God had it under control. I went back to learn more about the poor in the world.

 

I felt selfish learning these stories of others. I felt guilty for crying out to God about my empty bank account. After all I knew I was eating dinner that night and breakfast the next day. I knew I had a place to sleep – several really, if I needed it.

 

We sang a song – “Walk Humbly with your God”, one of my favorite songs. I was spending too much time looking up, thinking about the Jones, looking at what others had in the room, thinking about the large beautiful houses that surround the campus. I was not walking humbly with my God. I needed to continue to do that and seek justice and love kindness. Thinking of what I do have and not what I don’t have.

 

Again God taught me peace. I listened to the stories of the Haitian people shared by others and thought about all I knew of them too and I was asked to share my experiences. After I walked back to my table of Haitian products and my own jewelry, I felt the table becoming bare. I had sold so many things.

 

Thank you, Jesus.

 

Why do I choose to live in Poverty with God?

               because it has taught me the beauty of others - my neighbors.

 

After a quick dinner before heading on the road, I packed up what things I still had left. The tote that was full to the brim plus extras in a neighbor’s hands when I came but was now just full. Then another neighbor came and bought another load full of stuff, leaving me with ¾ of a tote of artisan’s goods. Amazing God.

 

Upon leaving, this neighbor gave me inspirational words. She told me as a Grandma how amazing it was that I was doing this work. How she was delighted and blessed to have me there this week. I felt foolish again when I thought back, to crying out alone in the car to God; praying that God would show me and let me feel people with me. But I also gleamed with a smile and expressed how I could not do this without people [neighbors] like her who support my living in Haiti. I raise all my own funds through sharing with others about Haiti and selling the Haitian artwork as well as my own. She hadn’t known that I didn’t get ‘paid’ from some source. Nope – I trust God. And maybe I need to do a better job sharing that part of the message of my life. But it is tough to admit when you need money, no one likes to ask that sort of thing. We are taught in our culture not to talk about money. But I trust in God and continue living faithfully, even if it means some tears.

 

Why do I choose to live in Poverty with God?

 

I have stayed in a different bed every night this week to go and share about Haiti. – thanks to my neighbors.

 

I am able to drive a more economic car around to these places while in the US – thanks to a neighbor.

 

This week I was able to raise over $700 for artists in Haiti and myself to live. – thanks to my neighbors.

 

I was able to not only speak at School of Missions, but hear and learn more about people I love.

 

– thanks to my neighbors.

 

Then I shared at my local church in Vermillion that gives me an amazing amount of support and love, as well as the church in Gayville.

 

– amazing neighbors.

- Amazing God.

 

I remember when I knew I had to go into missions. After having gone to Haiti on the Solar Oven Partners I knew I had to go. This is not the first time this had happened you understand. The first time I felt a ‘calling’ was at my mother’s ordination service 15 years earlier. But it just seemed impossible to do, mostly because of the money – how would I live!? But after my trip to Haiti, it was as if God was standing there at the door, holding it open and waiting for me to step out. Waiting and waiting. Actually I remember when I finally made the decision I was living in the church apartment at the time, serving as the campus director. I was thinking and praying and had an image of standing on the top of the church on the second floor getting ready to jump of the building. I was terrified. But finally I said, “ok, ok, God let’s do it, I will trust you.” And as soon as I did I saw my whole congregation below me on the lawn right there to catch me. And now – 2 years later – that whole lawn is full of people. It is full of people from across the Dakotas conference as well as folks in Michigan, Iowa, Illinois, Minnisota, Colorado, New Mexico, Canada, and England and many others I maybe don’t even know

 

– my neighbors.

 

My neighbors here in the United States take care of me so I can help my neighbors in Haiti. And you know it works the same right back. That is the beauty of God’s love. My Haitian neighbors help me and show me how to love too so I can continue to show God’s amazing love to my neighbors in the United States.

 

 

 

 

 



Making Coffee

This is a much more difficult task in Haiti then it is in the United States.  First you go and pick the beans from the plant or buy them from the market.  Then you let them dry out in the sun for a day or two depending on how humid it is at the time.   Once they are dry you take off the outer coat to roast the coffee bean inside.  Roasting them - this is a long process; you stir and stir and stir the beans in a large pot over charcoal or wood.  After they have made a crunching, popping noise you know they are finished.  Then you put them in a large pedestsel and pound them into a powder.  After you have pounded and pounded, often times the person makes a lovely rhythm.  It is quite beautiful when you have two people working together to make the music, I mean the coffee grounds.  The powder is run through a strainer several times to make sure it is fine enough.  You then have the grounds to make coffee in the morning.  In the morning hopefully there is water to boil, if not you head to the well to fill up a 5 gallon bucket of water to start your work for the day.  Then you start the water boiling over charcoal or wood.  It takes a bit of time to get it started.  The boiling water has lots and lots of sugar, to make it rich and wonderful -Haitian style.  Then you pour the boiling sugar water through a small cloth sack.  They often do this pouring of boiling water with nothing in their hand to protect themselves, such as a pot holder or other barrier.  The coffee pours out of the small cloth sack in a lovely stream of rich black coffee.  The coffee is sweet and dark!  The mama’s often put it in a large metal cup at first to mix it back and forth.  Then with that little bit in the metal cup; they swish it around cooling it so they can have that first sip of the morning.   I am sometimes there for this long morning process and other times I may still be in bed.  I am always thrilled to hear those magic words from Mama Philomen in the morning – “Café, Angelica”.  I try never to take this for granted.  I greet her with a big smile and say “Mesi!”  Being very grateful for the couple day process she went through to make coffee for the family and myself.  Sometimes I think about brewing up my coffee in the States - opening my cupboard, putting a couple scoops of grounds in the filter, filling up the pitcher with water from my sink, and pushing the button.  After I have had time to get dressed for my day – and magically my coffee is ready.  Ahhhh – and then the magic did happen – as I sat on my bed early in the morning writing this – I didn’t hear Philo but heard the noise of the coffee pot and cups hitting my table and then Papi brought me in a cup of coffee.   Shortly after that Jerzie ran in for her little sip of coffee too.  Oh moments to cherish.

Reflections on Port au Prince

Oh, Port au Prince I don’t even, know what to do with you.  But you make me think and wonder and cry a bit.  We came in this morning and the city is beyond words.  The best and simplest way to describe it is ‘yucky’.  But that is not who you are, your people make you beautiful.  I arrived at the ‘house’ passing dirty, dusty roads, bouncing on potholes and brown water flowing through the streets of trash.  We were greeted with warm happy faces to see us; kisses on the cheek and a warm handshake saying ‘Bonswa’.  We enter the home to relax down a walking alley way through a narrow hallway to enter two dark rooms.  It feels good to be back home in Haiti.

Being Reminded of Haitian Hospitality After Arriving

I forgot a few things I guess about family and the Haitian system while I was gone. We arrived safely in Port au Prince. We were at the back of the plane so we took the second bus in. All of our luggage was there we just had to hunt it down. They remove it from the rack when it comes off the baggage carriage. But we got them all found and out the door. We had to wait and wait for our ride to come they were stuck in ‘blokus’ traffic jam. I walked across the parking lot to find them and got a double embrace from my two friends. The truck was there so I hopped on the back of it and directed them to the place of our luggage and other friends. We jammed all our luggage and us on the truck, barely fitting on. But still there was room for 2 Haitians plus a child and their things to head out of town.


As we headed through Port au Prince I was not feeling well and decided it was because I was hungry and of course tired. One of the American gals with us said she had she had a granola bar and handed it to me. As I looked up at the faces with me; I thought oh yeah I cannot eat this myself and not share. I forgot. In Haiti if you have something to eat you share in with those around you. So before I started eating I started digging for my other granola bar to share with the 4 people there; the 5 of us shared 2 granola bars. Later our driver, my friend Tigo bought plantains (potato chip style) for all of us to share. When we got to the turn off of from the road we all shared 3 plates of food for lunch. In Haiti we just share. If you have something you share it with those with you.

This Haitian hospitality, this notion of sharing everything you have, bit me later again when arriving at my house. I was going to sleep in my bed and the two college students that came with me brought air mattresses to sleep on. But my Haitian family insisted I had to give up my bed. They were guests and they would have a bed to sleep in. I still had a bed to sleep in, the family took one of the air mattresses and gave me their bed. But I think about how often that happens in the United States. And this is not to say we don’t have great hospitality in the United States. And I experienced great hospitality while in the states!! I am also more than happy to sleep on a couch or an air mattress when someone is willing to have me stay at their house. And I have many, many a soul to thank for this while in the U.S. I even think about when I have house guests in the states. I love my comfortable bed and don’t really sacrifice too much to have friends or family stay with me. There is only one time I gave up my bed for company and that was for my mother because I didn’t have a spare bed so I slept on the couch. There has been several occasions while visiting PaP that a Haitian family member has given up there bed so that I might sleep there and they would be sleeping on the floor. It has always been curious where I might sleep when visiting other places – but I always know I will be well taken care of.

I am continually learning from my brothers and sisters in Haiti. And sometimes I admit I don’t like it!! [I say with a smile and a wink.] This is what Jesus was teaching us too. “Love you neighbor as yourself.” And really one of the greatest lessons we can learn in school is to share. But as we get more and more stuff for our comfortable lives, it becomes harder and harder to share it. It seems like an odd thing. But they say that often in giving trends in the United States; often times those that give the most don’t have as much to give. I have witnessed that many times both in the United States and in Haiti. When people are generous, sharing, and giving you feel the presents of God, especially in those moments.